Wah. Through an interesting series of events, I had an opportunity to re-query an agent I had originally queried many moons ago when I had no idea what I was doing. Knock me over with a feather I got my first request for a partial a week and half ago.

Today, she sent me a short but sweet rejection. So I thought I’d preserve for posterity what will probably be the first of many.

Welcome to the cruel world of publishing where rejection rules with a fickle and merciless fist. But every so often a ray of sunshine pierces the pall of hopelessness. If you need me I’ll be in my trailer working on my solar panels. (Did that even make sense? Yeah, didn’t think so. Ix-nay on-yay e-thay urple-pay ose-pray)

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Dear Auburn Assassin,

Thank you for the opportunity to read a portion of your manuscript, THE FOOL’S BET. I enjoyed your humorous pitch for this novel, and looked forward to seeing more; I wish I were now writing with better news.

Unfortunately, I just didn’t fall in love with the writing style as I’d hoped. This is subjective, of course, and another agent may feel differently. While I must pass, I do wish you the very best of luck and success in your ongoing writing and publishing pursuits.

Sincerely,
Awesome Agent

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From: AWESOME AGENT THAT I REALLY WANTED
Subject: Re: Fwd: Important AAR Alert: Electronic Rights Agreement Checklist & QUERY
To: AUBURN ASSASSIN
Date: Friday, July 24, 2009, 1:07 PM

HI Aub,

Yes, you are right – I’m sure that is how those notices have come your way. Sometimes I am quicker with the trigger finger than my eyes can keep up with. I VERY much appreciate your calling this to my attention and I’m delighted to have the opportunity to request a sample of your manuscript. Feel free to send as an attachment via email (I trust your judgment as to a good break point) and would you please cc my assistant: awesomeagentsasst@awesomeagency.com? I look forward to reading The Fool’s Bet.

Best,
Awesome Agent

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On Fri, Jul 24, 2009 at 3:55 PM, AUBURNASSASSIN wrote:
Awesome Agent,

I’ve received a couple of emails from you including the one below but I think you might have me on a distribution list by mistake because I have the same first name (Auburn) as one of your other agents at Awesome Agency. You would have only had my email address because I queried you late last year. As much as I’d like to believe that your emails kept mysteriously showing up in my inbox because I was supposed to re-query you, I know that a much more logical explanation is at play.

But karma is a strange thing and never let it be said that I wasn’t listening for opportunity’s knock. Here’s my query per your website’s guidelines:
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Roundhouse kicking your aerobics instructor and flirting with the gay basement troll who catches her are probably not the most orthodox means of tackling New Years’ Resolutions. Chelsea’s goals are much more pedestrian in origin — exercise more and end her two year mourning period for her late husband.

After her narrowly averted classroom coup, Chelsea is ready to retreat to her cocoon again. But the handsome man in the Star Trek t-shirt who may not be gay after all is intent on teasing her and drawing her out. A light-hearted, no strings attached friendship between Chelsea and LA actor Zach is born.

Zach is one of those guys who only has to slow down and allow himself to be caught when he gets an itch of the female persuasion. He’s spoiled rotten and Chelsea leverages her seven-year age advantage and 16 years of marriage to lecture him on his laissez faire ways. She jokingly bets Zach that one day some woman is going to turn him into the biggest lovesick fool ever and he won’t even see it coming.

When Zach begins a romantic relationship with a co-star, Chelsea is forced to reassess her own heart’s desire which in turn puts Zach’s ‘go with the flow’ attitude to the test. If he’s not willing to fight to keep her in his life, then she’s not going to fight to stay there.

The Fool’s Bet is a romantic comedy complete at 81,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

After agonizing over which page a day calendar to purchase for 2009, I opted for a French phrases calendar. I used to be somewhat conversational at French some 25 yrs ago and had the rather ill-advised hope that a page a day calendar would somehow prepare me to retire in Provence. Think again, Babs.

What I immediately noticed was that while the calendar was chock full of your typical phrases like “what is your name?” and “my name is ____” it also contained a few gems that caused me to wonder why they were included. Were the publishers commenting on things the French typically say themselves or the things that English-speaking tourists might say when in France? Here are a few I found thought-provoking:

“That t-shirt is ugly” (because you will have to comb the souvenir shops for the perfect tshirt before heading home.)

“I’d rather date my dog” (so when the natives point and smile, you’ll know that they are actually making fun of you instead of being wowed by your sensible shoes and space efficient fanny pack.)

“No onions on my food please” (because we are notorious for our bad American breath.)

“The shop owner is making a face at me” (so you can loudly announce to your traveling companions when you perceive you are being treated like a loud obnoxious American.)

“This food sucks” (so you can fit in with the native food critics as well as learn the very useful French equivalent of “sucks” and use it to describe a wide variety of distasteful things.)

Who knew a French phrase calendar could be so subversive?