Shelly Glisan had faith in her husband, unflagging, blind faith. Unfortunately, she was the only one.
Her best friend, Carmen, witnessed Cy Glisan at dinner with a nubile young woman. When Carmen told Shelly, feeling guilty all the while, Shelly maintained her faith.
“I’m sure there was a legitimate reason. Probably a client.”
“They were sitting side by side in a booth.”
“Maybe there was a tear in the bench on the other side.”
“They were holding hands.”
“No doubt saying grace before their meal.”
When Shelly’s maid complained about being unable to remove the lipstick stains from Cy’s collar, Shelly assumed the domestic had mistaken blood for cosmetics. Cy was always nicking his neck when shaving.
When Cy had not one, but two emergency board meetings that lasted from Friday night until Saturday afternoon, Shelly commiserated and made him his favorite meal. She also mowed the grass for him because he was too tired to do it himself. He was often tired, too tired to even…well, a lady didn’t speak of such things in public.
“Wake up and smell the coffee, Shelly!” Her friends Roseanne and Carmen took turns laying out the evidence and pointing to the conclusion that any sane person would reach. “Cy is cheating on you!”
“No. He’s not. He would never do something like that. I have faith in my husband. Please don’t ever bring your nasty suspicions up in my presence again.”
And that was that.
Tragically one night, a drunk driver crossed the center line and plowed into the Glisan’s car, killing both Cy and Shelly on impact.
In Purgatory, the Lord pulled Cy into his office for his final reckoning. Shelly anxiously awaited her turn.
Five minutes later, an angel escorted her into HIS office, resplendent and shiny with tasteful knick knacks and memorabilia spanning eternity.
“Shelly, my child, you have pleased me.” The Lord nodded and steepled his fingers.
“Thank you, Heavenly Father.” Shelly could only snatch quick glances at her Lord as she listened and spoke, HIS magnificence was so overwhelming.
“Your faith and trust has earned you a place in Heaven, the best zip code in the universe.” The Lord shuffled his heavenly paperwork. “Go in peace and dwell among us.”
Shelly rose and bowed her head. She turned to leave but spun around and asked the single question that had been burning inside her. “Lord, can you tell me where you sent my husband, Cy?”
“The fate meted out to Cyrus Glisan was commensurate with the nature of his earthly actions. I am sorry, but Death is indeed where you and your husband will part ways. Does this surprise or upset you, my child?”
“Oh no, Lord. I have always had faith you would do what was fair and just.” Shelly again turned to go but stopped a second time. “One last question, Lord?”
“Ask, my child.”
“Will Cy suffer unending torment and agony? Will he wail and gnash his teeth? Will he have his hopes dashed again and again? Will he regret tenfold every bad deed he ever committed? And lastly will his dick shrivel up and fall off?”
“Yes, my child, that and much worse.”
Shelly smiled and said, “Good.”