Claire

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Today I have a new installment in my “Regrettable Books A to Z™” series. For those of you new to my series, this is 100% parody. You are more than welcome to laugh, snicker and guffaw at my amateurish photoshopping and blurb writing. Bad is good. Good is bad.

Had to have at least one vampire story so, combining bad reality TV with the ever popular vampire trope, we have:

T is for Transylvania

(Sorry there’s a V on the cover…once upon a time it was to be V is for vampire, but I had a last minute change of plans and no time to redo the art. One more regrettable element.)

First the tagline:

Til Death Do Us Part isn’t nearly long enough!

The blurb:

Romanian immigrant Nadia Belascu has met the American man of her dreams and is getting married. She can’t be happier as she plans the event of a lifetime–flowers, dress, limo, reception–until everything goes horribly, horribly wrong! A bachelorette party lands her in hot water with a thirsty vampire from her homeland. Now a vampire herself, Nadia is nevertheless determined to carry on with her wedding, even if it means hiding her new true self from her husband-to-be.

Not even over Vlad’s dead body is that going to happen. Nadia isn’t a random victim. She’s the One True Mate Vlad has been stalking for nearly a decade, the one he crossed an ocean for, waiting for his opportunity to finally claim and turn her. Vlad never let their differing schedules–she an early bird (BTB or Before The Bite), he a night owl–get in the way, and if the only means of finally winning Nadia’s love is to give her the elaborate wedding of her dreams, then by G** he’ll do it.

But Bridezillas don’t change their spotted reptilian skins just because their hearts stop beating. This Transylvanian bride-to-be has raised demanding diva hysterics to supernatural levels. Will Vlad be able to tame his bride before sharing a coffin or will a stake through the heart be the best wedding gift of all?

I think this could be rather funny even though it started off as a pretty lame idea in my earlier drafts. **Adds to her list of WIP ideas** Did you notice my photoshop attempt to combine the flowers photo with the vampire photo? I shopped in the bad makeup and blood too. No man-titty but there’s a bare SIM boob / wardrobe malfunction in there if you look closely. Heh! Don’t worry, I’m not quitting my day job any time soon.

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Disclaimer: “Regrettable Books A to Z™” is a completely fictional (duh!) creation for parody purposes only. I have no product beyond what you see in this post. Photos are public domain or stock photos I have purchased. This is not a commercial purpose, however, I retain any and all creative story rights in the highly unlikely event I accidentally create something that might be worth a damn.

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S is for Sheik.

Here’s some Rudolph Valentino, 21st century style.

First the tagline:

She’s not asking what her country can do for her, but instead asking what she can do for her country…over and over again.

The blurb:

The man who owns the love nest next to Dulcie Thomas is a royal hound dog. Literally. As in he’s a sheik from some Arabian country no one’s ever heard of but where the oil-driven GNP has allowed even the poorest citizens to keep swanky penthouse pads in New York City. The guy always shows up with a new beauty in tow–leggy, blonde, big tits, your basic nightmare–sets up house for a few weeks then disappears. The blonde skips off with a new bauble never to be seen again and a week or so later, the cycle begins anew. Disgusting.

Sheik Khalil Ibraham Prashneesh Yolande Mohammed Al-Jaffir—Skippy M to his club friends—has had it with his bitchy next door neighbor. Seems the building will let any riff-raff with a big trust fund take up residency. Skippy will be sure to have a word with Mr. Trompe the next time he sees him. This harpy named Dovey, Daisy, whatever, might not be so bad if she didn’t leave her ridiculous paperback romances on his doorstep. Always about some billionaire playboy sheik. He doesn’t need her romance tips, thank you very much. And if she doesn’t like the books, why does she keep reading them?

The east / west, male / female conflict comes to a head when Dulcie suspects Skippy has terrorist connections. Why else would he be ordering blindfolds, handcuffs, rope and torture devices? Patriot that she is, Dulcie is determined to aid Homeland Security even if that means going undercover beneath one thousand thread count sheets edged in gold filigree. Mata Hari will be nothing but a smudge on history’s pages after Dulcie fulfills her duty…no matter how many times she has to seduce the filthy beast! But at what cost to her heart?

I might need to spring for some new cover art soon or Skippy is going to be giving Jimmy Thomas and Fabio a run for their money. I think this is his third Regrettable cover so far. He was free when I got him, probably because he’d already been on fifty thousand other covers, most not intentionally regrettable. I love my new font I found though.