Instead of a blog chain this month, we’re doing a musical chairs blogfest wherein all of the participants have been tasked to write in a genre other than our usual. Not too much of a stretch for me since I write under three pen names for three different genres and “Claire” writes flash fiction in almost of all of them. But some I write less often than others and therefore my challenge for this blogfest was to write either something for young adults or something humorous.
I’ve chosen humor…but recognizing that humor is subjective, I’ll give a caveat and say it’s MY humor. Like it or lump it, but please comment if you like it, go away if you hate it (but do come back and give me another chance at some of my other genres…please.)
So. Humor. I’ve always been an Erma Bombeck fan. This is my tribute to her style of writing.
Call of Duty: Mom Ops
My children have the effortless ability to aggravate the living daylights out of me. Mine are male, aged twelve and fourteen, and they are Satan’s spawn. Either that or my husband consumed some demon hash nine months before they emerged wailing and excreting.
My youngest crashed my writing time last night to whine like a young child ogling the candy at the checkout register.
Beelzebub: How much do you think I can get at GameStop if I trade in [insert names of three Nintendo DS games I’ve never heard of], my [insert name of Gamecube game I’ve never heard of] and the congo drums that go with it?
Me: I have no idea. You’ll just have to ask a store employee to look them up on their computer for you.
Beelzebub: What if I throw in the [insert name of Wii game I’ve never heard of]?
Me: You aren’t paying attention. I have no idea. I still have no idea.
Beelzebub: You think maybe fifty bucks?
Me: (turning red but not quite exasperated yet…it was a good day) I have no idea but I doubt it.
This, by the way, was the absolute wrong thing to say as it opened up the door to a new avenue of badgering.
Beelzebub: I’d like you to take me to GameStop at 10 AM on Saturday.
Points for how precise he is in his imperious demand.
Me: I doubt it.
Beelzebub: Why not?
Me: Cause I have more important things to do. Just call and ask over the phone.
Beelzebub: But they are running a special event at ten and the people who come into the store then….(I don’t listen to the rest because I’ve no doubt it involves making me poorer and him more spoiled than he already is.)
Beelzebub: When was the last time you bought anything for me other than at Christmas or for my birthday?
Love the self-centered logic here.
Me: I keep you alive with food and shelter. I think that counts for quite a bit.
Beelzebub: (flips his hand dismissively) You’re required by law to do that. It doesn’t count.
Me: Says who?
Beelzebub and I have a back and forth nag-fest with me countering his serves by asking if he’s done his homework, his chores, taken a shower, practiced his trombone, before he finally trots out his ultimate end game.
Me: What is it you want so much anyway?
Beelzebub: Call of Duty: Black Ops.
Beelzebub: Why not?
Me: It’s rated M.
Beelzebub: John has it and he’s only [insert ridiculously young age of the “toddler” who lives across the street who already owns a Mac laptop, a BMW and a controlling interest in Toys R Us…kidding…sort of.)
Me: No, it’s too violent.
Beelzebub: It has very little bloodshed in it– maybe a head blown off here and there but nothing gory.
Me: It’s rated M for a reason, little horned one. By the way, comb your hair, you have a head knob sticking out.
Beelzebub: (pats rogue hairs down) Just go online and read about it.
Me: (lying through my teeth) Fine. Now go away.
Beelzebub: (looks at clock on computer) I’ll be back at 7:30 to discuss your findings.
I actually go to the website for Call of Duty: Black Ops. The first screen asks for my age. With a sly grin and look over my shoulder to see if I have a covert audience, I type in 12. Not surprisingly, the website denies me entrance and a cookie snitch is saved on my PC. Successive attempts to revisit the site all yield the same “Go away, you’re too young” message. I laugh maniacally. I’ve won.
At 7 PM Beelzebub returns. I stop him with my hand and relay my woeful findings. He admits defeat and leaves.
Now it’s his older brother, Mephistopheles’ turn to make a visit, his hair nothing but knobs protruding in every conceivable angle.
Mephistopheles: I’d like to buy some songs for my iPod.
Me: Not tonight. That’s a weekend thing.
Mephistopheles: You’re just trying to steal my free download coupon for yourself. (He points to the coupon he brought me the day before when he first asked to download some songs and I first told him it would have to wait until the weekend.)
Me: I’ve no interest in your free coupon. I have download money to burn in my bank account and unlimited access to the computer cause I’m old and I’ve earned it.
Me: (I hand him the coupon.) Well then you’d better take this for safekeeping then hadn’t you?
Oldest walks out in defeat. He’s exhausted from trying to insert his brand new contact lenses. I take my victories however they come to me, fair or not.
My sarcastic grimace slowly dissolves into a smile. Mom–2, Demons–0.
And the entire lineup of participants are listed below. Be sure and check out all their genre-bending works in accordance with the scheduled post dates.
Week One (January 7th)
Claire- YOU ARE HERE
Hillary – http://www.hillaryjacques.blogspot.com/
GradyHendrix – http://www.gradyhendrix.com/
Week Two (January 14th)
Cole – http://www.colealpaugh.com/blog/
Week Three (January 21st)
IdiotsRUs – http://juliazknight.wordpress.com/
Week Four (January 28th)
Ralph Pines- http://ralfast.wordpress.com