It is a widely accepted truth that God loves pie. All kinds of pie–fruit, cream, meat. Put a crust on anything and you’ll bring a smile to His divine countenance. Or so the pie maker claimed, and quite convincingly, to all who would listen. He had decided that his salvation lay in preparing the very best pie possible for their Lord and maker.
He rounded up all the religious leaders, believing the holy men would be closest in terms of godliness to Him, and therefore the experts on his culinary preferences.
The Catholic priests expressed a decided preference for his rhubarb pies, while the Lutherans went into raptures over the chicken pot pie he seasoned with just a hint of sage and rosemary. The Rabbi claimed that as the spiritual leader of God’s chosen people, his suggestion of a kosher Jewish apple pie already had God’s stamp of approval. The Protestants boasted that they had at least been able to agree that a citrus cream pie paved the way to righteousness. However, the Baptist minister insisted that God would most prefer a key lime pie while the Methodists balked and claimed that lemon meringue was the only pie that would befit God’s heavenly appetite.
No one could agree and the pious pie maker languished in despair.
“How can I make a fit offering to Him if I can’t reach a consensus,” the pie maker wailed to his family.
His wife, Mitzi, tired of her husband’s nightly laments and even more so of the mess he made in her kitchen, had finally had enough.
“Tell me one thing, Elroy. Where did you even get the idea that God wanted a pie?”
Elroy raised his head from his hands and scowled at his wife. “God loves pie. Everyone knows that.”
“Well, assuming you finally find the perfect pie to offer, how are you going to get it to him?”
Her husband sputtered at the absurdity of her question. “I have faith that our Lord doesn’t mind serving Himself. I’m sure He will find a way to get the pie into heaven, assuming it pleases him.”
“I’m still trying to wrap my head around this pie in the sky idea of yours.” Mitzi muttered under her breath as she cleaned up. “I wonder if anyone’s considered that He’s probably more interested in humble pie?”
“That’s it!” The pie-maker shot out of his chair and ran laughing to the pantry to organize his ingredients. All night long he chopped, diced, kneaded, shaped, seasoned and baked. The next morning he gathered his family around the large table he’d set up outside and covered with pies.
“What’s all this?” his wife exclaimed.
“Your comment about humble pie got me thinking. Who are we to decide which pie is best for the Lord? So I decided to make one of every kind of pie I know.”
Mitzi rolled her eyes but held her tongue. She took the lawn chair next to Elroy’s and waited…and waited. For hours they waited for God to make his choice.
The children eventually grew bored and scampered off. When Elroy’s bladder made its demands known, he trudged to the bathroom in a cloud of defeat.
A great boom interrupted him mid-stream and after shaking and zipping, he raced back outside.
Mitzi stood, wide-eyed and mouth agape. “H-he chose!”
Elroy followed the path of her finger.
The space where the cherry pie had once sat was empty.
“God chose cherry! God chose cherry!” Elroy danced a jig in the yard and swept Mitzi into his arms. He spun her round and round in his joy.
“Elroy! Please put me down. I’m going to be sick!”
He did as she asked because she was looking a bit green.
“Honey, are you okay?” Concern etched his face as she walked behind the bushes to throw up.
“Must be all the excitement, I guess,” she said when she finally emerged.
“I’m going to go spread the word. You go lie down, Dear, while I’m gone.” Elroy patted her hand and dashed off.
Mitzi plopped into her chair and belched, the tangy scent and flavor of recycled cherry pie in her mouth. She rose and returned the garbage lid to its rightful location, her son’s baseball bat to the equipment rack. With her chalk in hand, she prepared a new sign for the pie maker’s bakery.
Lord’s Pie (cherry) $19.99
Rhubarb pie $9.99
Jewish Apple pie $7.99
Lemon Meringue pie $7.99
Key lime pie $8.99