Dear readers, if you comment, nothing will show up until I fish it out of spam. I’ve been getting 100% false positives for a week now. I am moving them from spam to approved every few hours and have opened a ticket with WordPress.
I’m so sorry. Please bear with me until I get it fixed.
UPDATE: WordPress never got back to me. I contacted Akismet and they fixed very promptly. Akismet for the win!!!