B is for…Bombeck
…as in Erma Bombeck. I entered the Erma Bombeck humor essay competition this year. Kudos to me for remembering it in time to enter. I didn’t win but here’s my essay:
Darwin trumps Newton
I am convinced laziness is hereditary. Though Darwinists would argue survival of the fittest dooms my kind, modern caterers to convenience are determined to prove them wrong. The explosive growth in display space for “As Seen On TV” products is one bellwether of such.
That is where I found Forever Lazy—a velvety one-size-fits-most Ziploc baggy for the human body designed to lull its wearer into perpetual inactivity.
I giggled at first, glancing around to see if anyone had noticed me circling the display. I could always claim they were gag gifts; give them to my husband and sons as silly stocking stuffers.
My purchase rationalized, I nabbed four in blue—one for each family member.
“These make great white elephant gifts,” the cashier chirped, her industrious fingers flying over the cash register keys. Ten of her would fit in one Forever Lazy suit.
“They’re for my kids to wear after their…uh…three-hour-long black belt Tae Kwan Do classes.” I hadn’t told a complete lie. My children were martial arts students…when I could cajole them into donning their wrinkled uniforms, then herd them to the car where my husband and I played rock, paper, scissors over chauffeur duty.
The suits were a huge hit.
Six days later, wrapping paper cluttered a three-foot radius around the Christmas tree. Greeting card envelopes decked the halls from foyer to kitchen. Glasswear crusted with dried eggnog adorned the family room from end table to end table … and four blobs of royal blue fuzz sat in semi-catatonic states watching reality television reruns.
Forever Lazies had made my family even lazier!
When we were nearly out of microwave popcorn and Ritz crackers, survival and inertia waged the ultimate death match.
I dragged myself to the computer in a Herculean effort fueled by the last candy cane I wrestled away from the dog. For hours I surfed the web searching for an antidote. Surely someone manufactured an Eternally Peppy suit.
Sweat beaded on my forehead from all my turbo mousing. The heat grew unbearable until finally I burst from my blue cocoon like a butterfly.
“Eureka!” I shrieked as I shuffled to crank up my home’s heater.
One by one my mate and our offspring shed their mantles of lethargy and toddled on legs of newborn colts. Maybe I would have grandkids after all.
Newton’s law says objects at rest tend to stay at rest. So too do human beings if given the flimsiest of excuses. Those excuses now reside at the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper. One day I might wash them…if I ever launder my way down that far.
For more A to Z blogging goodness, check out the other participants at the host site.
Fourteen (14) days until my debut novel, The P.U.R.E. releases!
Claire Gillian 
I’ve seen the Forever Lazy and I think they’re hysterical AND a good idea! Just so you know, I had a hard time figuring out where to leave a comment. I was the first and it was just hard to tell. Thought you should know that. Have fun with the Challenge. Congrats and Good Luck with your novel!!
oh, I’m sorry about that. Some of these WP themes are easier to navigate than others. Thanks for reading and being persistent. Appreciate the comment.
LMAO! This was FUNNY! I have to be careful reading blogs while sipping my morning tea– no worries– I had a napkin nearby to wipe down my monitor after that bit about inertia waging the ultimate death match! ha ha!! Great post– I shall return for more!
Cheers, Jenn
http://www.wine-n-chat.com
I’m glad your computer suffered no ill consequences. I’m happy I made you laugh, spew or not.
I love your EB entry. We don’t have the Lazies, I think it would make me claustrophobic, but my 13 YO son has a Jets football print snuggie. Believe me, it has the same effect!
They are very hot. The season has passed though my youngest still dons his for gaming in our chilly basement. Thanks for reading and commenting, my dear!
Love it! I want a Forever Lazy. It would make a great excuse not to get up…I mean I want to, but then all that hard work someone put into it would go to waste…not to mention the money spent on it…
Too bad you didn’t win, you should definitely enter again next year! 🙂
Thank you! I’m a little bummed they charged to enter this year. Last time I entered it was free AND they sent me nice feedback. No feedback this year. 😦
Yes, that was Bombesque indeed!
Ah! The highest compliment. Thank you!
Claire,
Not only is your essay funny, but you have the most amazing voice! I absolutely cannot wait to read your books! I’ll be back tomorrow.
Thanks, Susan! I appreciate your words of encouragement. 🙂
🙂 Thanks for a great laugh. Only day two and I am discoveringlots of new blogs to follow.
Thanks Sherry! and so many blogging topics too that I never expected.
What a great piece!
Ads are good too. Right below it was an ad for developing your brain. Ha! Only thing that would have made it more perfect was an ad for an exercise machine.
Thank you! I never think about the ads or see them. Funny, that synchronicity. 🙂
I like that you can look lazy AND like a smurf at the same time. Genius. Pure genius. Very funny post.
Bombeck and blue thingies. Fun! I just signed on to the A-Z challenge, nearly at the last minute, but I’m trying to visit every blog at least once.
LOL – that was awesome! Great job. I loved Erma too.
Love, love Erma!