family

B is for…Bombeck

…as in Erma Bombeck. I entered the Erma Bombeck humor essay competition this year. Kudos to me for remembering it in time to enter. I didn’t win but here’s my essay:

Darwin trumps Newton

I am convinced laziness is hereditary. Though Darwinists would argue survival of the fittest dooms my kind, modern caterers to convenience are determined to prove them wrong. The explosive growth in display space for “As Seen On TV” products is one bellwether of such.

That is where I found Forever Lazy—a velvety one-size-fits-most Ziploc baggy for the human body designed to lull its wearer into perpetual inactivity.

I giggled at first, glancing around to see if anyone had noticed me circling the display. I could always claim they were gag gifts; give them to my husband and sons as silly stocking stuffers.

My purchase rationalized, I nabbed four in blue—one for each family member.

“These make great white elephant gifts,” the cashier chirped, her industrious fingers flying over the cash register keys. Ten of her would fit in one Forever Lazy suit.

“They’re for my kids to wear after their…uh…three-hour-long black belt Tae Kwan Do classes.” I hadn’t told a complete lie. My children were martial arts students…when I could cajole them into donning their wrinkled uniforms, then herd them to the car where my husband and I played rock, paper, scissors over chauffeur duty.

The suits were a huge hit.

Six days later, wrapping paper cluttered a three-foot radius around the Christmas tree. Greeting card envelopes decked the halls from foyer to kitchen. Glasswear crusted with dried eggnog adorned the family room from end table to end table … and four blobs of royal blue fuzz sat in semi-catatonic states watching reality television reruns.

Forever Lazies had made my family even lazier!

When we were nearly out of microwave popcorn and Ritz crackers, survival and inertia waged the ultimate death match.

I dragged myself to the computer in a Herculean effort fueled by the last candy cane I wrestled away from the dog. For hours I surfed the web searching for an antidote. Surely someone manufactured an Eternally Peppy suit.

Sweat beaded on my forehead from all my turbo mousing. The heat grew unbearable until finally I burst from my blue cocoon like a butterfly.

“Eureka!” I shrieked as I shuffled to crank up my home’s heater.

One by one my mate and our offspring shed their mantles of lethargy and toddled on legs of newborn colts. Maybe I would have grandkids after all.

Newton’s law says objects at rest tend to stay at rest. So too do human beings if given the flimsiest of excuses. Those excuses now reside at the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper. One day I might wash them…if I ever launder my way down that far.