A Couple of Smudges of Smut with Guest Diane Dooley

Diane Dooley and I have partnered up and are finally jumping on the BDSM bandwagon! We have very spoiled and materialistic children and husbands who want to retire. Our bank accounts, quite frankly, are demanding much higher and more regular royalty deposits.*

Ours is a twist on the BDSM love story so fresh, you’ll want to slap it (or whip it, whip it good!) We hereby present our masterpiece to the world.

*Agents, please use the contact form to make your best offer. We’ll settle for nothing less than a bidding war, so get your duckies in a row. Publishers, please be patient. Our lucky agent will be in touch. Fellow writers, try not to be too jealous. 

Tic-Tac: A Love Story


Dominic Masterson took a moment to admire the expensive hotel room, then pushed his wife down on the massive bed covered with one thousand thread count sheets in ecru. “Before we go any further we need a safe word. So I know when to stop.”

Sicilia Plook quirked an over-plucked eyebrow. “How about: stop it, that frickin’ hurts!”

He sighed impatiently. “No. Something sexy. Or symbolic.”

Sicilia sucked thoughtfully on a plump, pillowy, pouty, pink lip. “Okay, how about: stop that, it frickin’ hurts, Hugh Jackman!” She cackled.

His dark eyes surveyed her balefully. “I see I’m going to have to teach you some manners.” He reached into his back pocket on his form-fitting black leather pants and pulled out a comb, a wallet, a container of Tic-Tacs, a feather, some dental floss, a couple of chip clips and a pacifier. “Hang on, hang on… These pants are too tight to be toting this shit around.”

Smack! His hand made contact with his own ass. “I like how that sounds. Do you like how that sounds?”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to spank yourself.” Sicilia rolled her eyes, but after a few seconds leaned in to ask, “But…did it feel good?” Those same eyes o’snark dropped to his crotch. The pants he wore were so tight, they’d divided and conquered the family jewels into separate camps.

“It might have if I could feel my ass.” Dominic gave himself another swat. “Nope. It’s gone numb. How’s that bustier feeling?”

Sicilia pressed her hands to her breasts, tugging the corset up, trying to at least cover her nipples. “It’s not shaped the same as me. I wish I hadn’t cheaped out and got the PVC instead of real leather. It’s hotter than the devil’s testicle in a jock strap soaked in Ben-Gay.” She took a shallow breath. “It’s frickin too tight, too.”

Dominic snapped his fingers and pointed at her. “I have the perfect idea for a safeword…”

Sicilia turned away to loosen her corset. “Do tell,” she said, with unfortunate undertones of sarcasm.

Behind her, Dominic dropped to his knees on the expensive carpet, groaned, and grabbed his crotch. “Hospital!”

Sicilia, still fumbling with her laces, emitted a bored groan. “Hospital? Yeah, that’s sexy.” Her fingers grew more frantic and she tore at the corset. “Jesus Christ, help me get out of this thing. I can barely breathe.”

Dominic slumped over, moaning in pain. “I think these leather pants have burst my testicles. Help me, Sicilia! Help me!”

“Oh, for goodness sake!” She crouched at his side and attempted to undo the zipper on his pants, to provide some much needed relief to his nether regions. The zipper, unfortunately, was stuck. Sicilia tugged and tugged, but to no avail. Suddenly, she turned pale, her zipper exertions having pushed her breathing ability to the limit.

She attempted to stand, but it was no use. She collapsed on top of the writhing Dominic, pinning his huevos under the pancakes that used to be her breasts.

“Stop it, that frickin’ hurts,” he groaned.

“Hugh Jackman,” she whispered before she passed out.


* * * * *


Delicia Lushing found them the next morning and, as all good maids do when confronted with a pile of PVC and leather, hastily summoned the manager.

“Not another one,” Guy Manly blurted out upon arriving. “This is the third one this month!” He surveyed the dead bodies with annoyance. “Oh, actually this is new.” He bent and picked up the container of Tic-Tacs. “What in hell were they planning to do with these?”

Delicia tittered. “I bet you could think of something, Mr. Manly.”

Guy smirked at her, before tucking the Tic-Tacs into his pocket. “Meet you in Room 407, once the cops have dealt with …this. I’ll go call them now.” He turned to her before leaving. “Be thinking of a safeword, Delicia. Something Sexy. And symbolic.” He left to the sound of her giggling.

Did you like that? That was just one tale we’ve collaborated on. We have more in our collection. Here’s our overall pitch:

Follow the exploits of two hundred and twenty-six couples and ménages as they immerse themselves into the alluring but murky world of BDSM.

From housewives who trade pool boys and gardeners to firefighters with extra large hoses to the sado-masochistic world of tax auditors–these tales will titillate and tie you up in knots of ecstacy!

That’s right – for the price of a triple shot venti mocha with five pumps of dark and white chocolate, you get two hundred and twenty six stories that plunge moistly into the hearts and souls of BDSM practitioners, stories that will leave you begging for the next…and the next…and the next.

Tic-Tac: A Love Story will take you places you’ve never gone before, and then make you revisit them over and over… Buy it for all your friends! Gush about it at the office water cooler! Write lengthy fan letters to the authors, saying things like: “this book changed my life, and “could you please suggest an awesome safeword.”

Erotica author, Lulu Shaw wails: “The book I’ve been wracking my brain to write my whole life, goddammit, and these two yay-whos…. I’ll be over here, flagellating myself with envy.”

Author of The Illiterate’s Pop Up Book of BDSM Trends and Techniques, Jane Brown screeches:  “This is my new go-to book!”

BDSM expert, Lottie O’Payne, says, “So good I named it Book of the Day on my blog, which my friends say is the best blog ever, even though not many people read it.”

Erotica author, Labiosa Sweet, shares “this book is so hot that all my clothes fell off and I accidentally boffed the poor UPS man. Repeatedly.”

Intergalactic troublemaker to the stars, Agent Z. gushes, “What a load of frickin’ rubbish. This is the worst book I ever…You’re paying HOW much for my endorsement? Really? Ahem. I LOVED this book; it’ll make you laugh, it’ll make you cry, and it will probably make you come. The best book in the galaxy, nay, the universe!”

Hope you enjoyed our joint venture as much as we did. 😉


ThatNight_w7145_300Diane Dooley is the author of a hot-off-the-press vanilla book called That Night. She promises no submissives were harmed in the creation of her latest masterpiece. She does, however, hope to tie you down long enough for you to devour her contemporary romance novelette. Diane is also the author of the intergalactic space romances Blue Galaxy, Blue Nebula, and Mako’s Bounty.

Connect with Diane:

Website / Twitter / Facebook

Buy her books:

Amazon / Barnes & Noble / All Romance eBooks / Wild Rose Press

For more Regrettable Book parodies, check out Lila Shaw’s weekly posts.