A Couple of Smudges of Smut with Guest Diane Dooley

Diane Dooley and I have partnered up and are finally jumping on the BDSM bandwagon! We have very spoiled and materialistic children and husbands who want to retire. Our bank accounts, quite frankly, are demanding much higher and more regular royalty deposits.*

Ours is a twist on the BDSM love story so fresh, you’ll want to slap it (or whip it, whip it good!) We hereby present our masterpiece to the world.

*Agents, please use the contact form to make your best offer. We’ll settle for nothing less than a bidding war, so get your duckies in a row. Publishers, please be patient. Our lucky agent will be in touch. Fellow writers, try not to be too jealous. 

Tic-Tac: A Love Story

TicTac1

Dominic Masterson took a moment to admire the expensive hotel room, then pushed his wife down on the massive bed covered with one thousand thread count sheets in ecru. “Before we go any further we need a safe word. So I know when to stop.”

Sicilia Plook quirked an over-plucked eyebrow. “How about: stop it, that frickin’ hurts!”

He sighed impatiently. “No. Something sexy. Or symbolic.”

Sicilia sucked thoughtfully on a plump, pillowy, pouty, pink lip. “Okay, how about: stop that, it frickin’ hurts, Hugh Jackman!” She cackled.

His dark eyes surveyed her balefully. “I see I’m going to have to teach you some manners.” He reached into his back pocket on his form-fitting black leather pants and pulled out a comb, a wallet, a container of Tic-Tacs, a feather, some dental floss, a couple of chip clips and a pacifier. “Hang on, hang on… These pants are too tight to be toting this shit around.”

Smack! His hand made contact with his own ass. “I like how that sounds. Do you like how that sounds?”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to spank yourself.” Sicilia rolled her eyes, but after a few seconds leaned in to ask, “But…did it feel good?” Those same eyes o’snark dropped to his crotch. The pants he wore were so tight, they’d divided and conquered the family jewels into separate camps.

“It might have if I could feel my ass.” Dominic gave himself another swat. “Nope. It’s gone numb. How’s that bustier feeling?”

Sicilia pressed her hands to her breasts, tugging the corset up, trying to at least cover her nipples. “It’s not shaped the same as me. I wish I hadn’t cheaped out and got the PVC instead of real leather. It’s hotter than the devil’s testicle in a jock strap soaked in Ben-Gay.” She took a shallow breath. “It’s frickin too tight, too.”

Dominic snapped his fingers and pointed at her. “I have the perfect idea for a safeword…”

Sicilia turned away to loosen her corset. “Do tell,” she said, with unfortunate undertones of sarcasm.

Behind her, Dominic dropped to his knees on the expensive carpet, groaned, and grabbed his crotch. “Hospital!”

Sicilia, still fumbling with her laces, emitted a bored groan. “Hospital? Yeah, that’s sexy.” Her fingers grew more frantic and she tore at the corset. “Jesus Christ, help me get out of this thing. I can barely breathe.”

Dominic slumped over, moaning in pain. “I think these leather pants have burst my testicles. Help me, Sicilia! Help me!”

“Oh, for goodness sake!” She crouched at his side and attempted to undo the zipper on his pants, to provide some much needed relief to his nether regions. The zipper, unfortunately, was stuck. Sicilia tugged and tugged, but to no avail. Suddenly, she turned pale, her zipper exertions having pushed her breathing ability to the limit.

She attempted to stand, but it was no use. She collapsed on top of the writhing Dominic, pinning his huevos under the pancakes that used to be her breasts.

“Stop it, that frickin’ hurts,” he groaned.

“Hugh Jackman,” she whispered before she passed out.

 

* * * * *

 

Delicia Lushing found them the next morning and, as all good maids do when confronted with a pile of PVC and leather, hastily summoned the manager.

“Not another one,” Guy Manly blurted out upon arriving. “This is the third one this month!” He surveyed the dead bodies with annoyance. “Oh, actually this is new.” He bent and picked up the container of Tic-Tacs. “What in hell were they planning to do with these?”

Delicia tittered. “I bet you could think of something, Mr. Manly.”

Guy smirked at her, before tucking the Tic-Tacs into his pocket. “Meet you in Room 407, once the cops have dealt with …this. I’ll go call them now.” He turned to her before leaving. “Be thinking of a safeword, Delicia. Something Sexy. And symbolic.” He left to the sound of her giggling.

Did you like that? That was just one tale we’ve collaborated on. We have more in our collection. Here’s our overall pitch:

Follow the exploits of two hundred and twenty-six couples and ménages as they immerse themselves into the alluring but murky world of BDSM.

From housewives who trade pool boys and gardeners to firefighters with extra large hoses to the sado-masochistic world of tax auditors–these tales will titillate and tie you up in knots of ecstacy!

That’s right – for the price of a triple shot venti mocha with five pumps of dark and white chocolate, you get two hundred and twenty six stories that plunge moistly into the hearts and souls of BDSM practitioners, stories that will leave you begging for the next…and the next…and the next.

Tic-Tac: A Love Story will take you places you’ve never gone before, and then make you revisit them over and over… Buy it for all your friends! Gush about it at the office water cooler! Write lengthy fan letters to the authors, saying things like: “this book changed my life, and “could you please suggest an awesome safeword.”

Erotica author, Lulu Shaw wails: “The book I’ve been wracking my brain to write my whole life, goddammit, and these two yay-whos…. I’ll be over here, flagellating myself with envy.”

Author of The Illiterate’s Pop Up Book of BDSM Trends and Techniques, Jane Brown screeches:  “This is my new go-to book!”

BDSM expert, Lottie O’Payne, says, “So good I named it Book of the Day on my blog, which my friends say is the best blog ever, even though not many people read it.”

Erotica author, Labiosa Sweet, shares “this book is so hot that all my clothes fell off and I accidentally boffed the poor UPS man. Repeatedly.”

Intergalactic troublemaker to the stars, Agent Z. gushes, “What a load of frickin’ rubbish. This is the worst book I ever…You’re paying HOW much for my endorsement? Really? Ahem. I LOVED this book; it’ll make you laugh, it’ll make you cry, and it will probably make you come. The best book in the galaxy, nay, the universe!”

Hope you enjoyed our joint venture as much as we did. 😉

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ThatNight_w7145_300Diane Dooley is the author of a hot-off-the-press vanilla book called That Night. She promises no submissives were harmed in the creation of her latest masterpiece. She does, however, hope to tie you down long enough for you to devour her contemporary romance novelette. Diane is also the author of the intergalactic space romances Blue Galaxy, Blue Nebula, and Mako’s Bounty.

Connect with Diane:

Website / Twitter / Facebook

Buy her books:

Amazon / Barnes & Noble / All Romance eBooks / Wild Rose Press

For more Regrettable Book parodies, check out Lila Shaw’s weekly posts.

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A Brief Visit from The Magnificent Diane Dooley!

Today I have a very special guest, a lady who is destined to be one of those “I interviewed her once” names I’ll drop in the not so distant future. She’s already released one book with Carina and has another on the way (more on her books at the end and the chance to WIN an e-copy of her novella, Blue Galaxy). I’m definitely a fan.

I met Diane on Absolute Write. I knew her there as a horror and science fiction short story writer under the screen name of Dolores Haze (Lolita anyone?).  She always had great avatars featuring the works of fellow Scot, Graham McKean. I’m not sure which of my pitiful freshman pieces she critiqued, but somewhere along the way she did, or I did one of hers, and we connected.

Diane was also one of the first writers to also reach out to me on Facebook, back when I was a social media Howard Hughes. All I remember is wondering why, and Diane said something that touched me, and I’ve never forgotten:  “Because I like you.”  Nothing about social networking or back scratching or any of that sort of thing. Well, I like you too, Diane, and am honored to be able to share you with my readers today.

Most writers I’ve met had someone in their past who saw a certain spark in them. Tell us who in your younger days encouraged you to write or made you think maybe you could?

Mostly my teachers told me to stop daydreaming, stop fighting and stop truanting. I did have a couple of teachers who encouraged me, though I didn’t always appreciate it at the time. One teacher made me stand up and read a rather tragic story to the entire class. It was a first-person account of a child dying from starvation and I really, really did not want to read it out loud. So embarrassing to read my own words! I’ve gotten a little better since then, but only a little. Once one of my  stories is published I have to force myself to read it. I’d rather pretend that it had never existed.

Hanging out at Absolute Write can be an overwhelming experience there is so much talent there–from fledgling authors to authors who have worked hard to hone their craft and have gone on to ink some sweet publishing deals to seasoned veterans who graciously share their wisdom. What’s the best advice you’ve received from any source that you pass on to others.

The best writing advice I’ve received is very simple. Sit down, put your hands on the keyboard and write. There are all kinds of how-to-write books out there, but none can replace this simple advice. The best life advice is also simple: don’t sweat the small stuff, assume good intentions and be useful. I’m not exactly a philosopher, am I?

I don’t know about that. Some of the best philosophies are the most simple and straightforward.

Tell us what’s in your writer’s trunk, whether because it was a sub-par effort, you lost steam on it or you just couldn’t find a receptive audience.  Do you have any plans to try to resurrect any of your trunk’s contents?

There are a few short stories in my trunk. They are the ones I gave up on trying to sell. They’re too odd, too violent, too sexual or too-something to find a market. I haven’t abandoned them. I’m keeping them safe until I can find a way to make them saleable. There’s one novel in there too. I’m waiting until my writing is good enough to pull off the premise. One of these days I’ll be good enough for it. I hope.

What’s your “brand” (whether achieved or building)?

I have the hardest time with this. I’m a writer and I write whatever takes my fancy. Science fiction, romance and horror are what I’ve been able to sell so far, but it’s quite impossible to pull that together into a brand. Other stuff I’ve written doesn’t fit easily into these genres. I have a several items on my to-write list that’ll take me into yet other genres. I can’t seem to fit myself  tidily into a brand. I guess I want my brand to be my writing style, regardless of genre. I’d describe it as …oh, hell. I don’t know.  Someone read my stuff and tell me. Puh-leeze.

Diane, I think you have the chops to easily define your own genre or brand and be totally successful.  You’ve already bucked a few romance tropes with Blue Galaxy, with its broken-down hero, Javan, as the narrator and the strong female heroine who bests him.

Let’s talk about the creative side of writing for a second. When and Where do your best ideas come to you?

Usually when listening to music or reading poetry. Many of my stories come from daydreaming over a line of poetry or a song lyric. Blue Galaxy, for instance, started with me listening to Roddy Frame’s song, Small World, over and over again. The lines:  “rushing through the stars, captivated by the worlds beyond. So far. Unknown,” gave me a character. A young woman stares up at the stars, wondering what’s out there, desperate to find out.  Blue Galaxy’s Sola was born. I pretty much always start with the characters and go from there.  Another story came from a line by Pablo Neruda:”These are the stories of seaports. A man clambers a hillside. And such things come to pass.” I got a whole novel out of that line, starting with the thought: who the heck is this guy and what waits for him at the top of that hill?

Can we be nosy and peek inside your private life for a second, in a non-stalkerish kind of way?  Describe what’s on your nightstand.

A pair of broken reading glasses, a reading lamp, the dreaded alarm clock, my beloved Kindle and a pile of books. The top four books on the pile are: Venus On The Half Shell by Kilgore Trout, Soiled Doves: A History of Prostitution in the Early West by Anna Seagraves, White Horse by Alex Adams and The Comfort of Strangers by Ian McEwan.

Wow! What a great assortment of reads!

Thank you so much for dropping by, Diane.

Thanks for inviting me to your blog, Claire!

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Now, my lovelies, Diane has a treat. Please mosey down to the comments for a chance to win an e-copy of Blue Galaxy.  The only requirement for entry into the random drawing is to answer this question: Where in the universe would you like to travel to?

UPDATE:  April Plummer was our lucky winner!!

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More About Diane:

Diane Dooley was born in the Channel Islands, grew up in Scotland, has lived in several of the United States, loves to travel and to this day still suffers from wanderlust.
Since Diane was a voracious reader from a young age, it seemed to make perfect sense when she decided writing might make an enjoyable hobby. She has since realized that ‘enjoyable’ is entirely the wrong word. Her short stories have been published in several online venues, and she is a regular contributor to the science fiction blog The Galaxy Express.
Diane currently lives in a money pit of an old farmhouse in upstate New York, where she tends her husband, sons and a collection of reptiles. When she is not at her day job, she is either reading, writing, gardening, avoiding housework or driving her children to various sporting events. She is also a geek of intergalactic proportions with a severe YouTube habit.

Blue Galaxy (Published by: Carina Press, May, 2011) can be purchased here and from all the usual online retailers.

The sequel to Blue Galaxy, Blue Nebula, will release soon, also from Carina Press.  Diane has yet another release pending, a sci-fi romance novella called Mako’s Bounty to be published as part of Decadent Publishing‘s 1NightStand series, sometime in the spring of 2012. Links to short stories are here.  I did say she was very busy, didn’t I? I’m sure I did, not that it’s necessary at this point.

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You can find the marvelous Ms. Dooley in the following haunts:

Website / blog address: Diane Dooley’s Writing, Stuff and Nonsense

Twitter    Facebook    Contact: Infinite Futures    The Galaxy Express