Show me the voice!

Below are the first 250 words of my novel My Fair Vampire for the “Show me the voice contest” sponsored by Brenda Drake.  Click the picture at the left for details.

******
Dammit, he got away. They always get away. I suck at this. I wish someone would just stake me already.

I dropped heavily onto the park bench and contemplated yet another night pilfering from the blood bank.

I really didn’t know why my sire had bothered, why he hadn’t just killed me. The last time I’d had fresh blood, he’d caught it then scolded me saying, “Dori, remember, use surprise until you’ve mastered persuasion, so for God’s sake don’t let ‘em see your canines.”

“Well maybe if you spent a little more time training me, Donovan, instead of getting off with your harem, I wouldn’t be such a disappointment.”

“Maybe if you tried dressing a little more sexy, you could lure better. This,” he’d pointed to my feet, then my clothes, “…garbage you wear is utterly pointless.”

That had triggered my usual defense. “A girl’s gotta have the right shoes to chase ‘em down if she’s not blessed in other departments.”

He’d grunted with aggravation then stalked off, his long black coat cutting a wide fluttering swath behind him. I had to get Mr. GQ for a sire when I was so NOT Ms. Cosmopolitan. A freckle-faced strawberry blonde in track pants and a “Save the Adobe Whales” t-shirt made me more likely to grace the cover of Natural Health–ironic since I was dead.

I clapped my tennis shoes together and mud fell to the ground in clumps. The clear Albuquerque skies peeked through the treetops and twinkled above my head.

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9 thoughts on “Show me the voice!

  1. LOL this is hilarious. Love it. It’s an adorably tongue in cheek take on whats more and more being seen as an overly played out trend, and I think that will make all the dfference for you. You’ve got a great voice, so you’re great for this contest. A few things – I LOVE your internal monologue, it flows great, but I would suggest you read your dialogue out loud to yourself, and check the flow, there’s a few places where it just reads as disjointed compared to the rest of your narration. Like her rebuttal about her footwear for instance. And your first paragraph was hilarious, but I would try a few different things with the second one instead of leading right into ‘my sire was the worst.’ It comes off as a little too info dumpy and I think there’s plenty of other ways you could segue into the same information a little more naturally. Maybe even just cutting that my sire was the worst line so it reads like ‘Sometimes I wondered why my sire even bothered. Why wouldn’t someone just stake me already?’

    The woe is me tack is actually a great hook for this particular voice, IMO. Good work and good luck!

  2. You KNOW I love it. 🙂 Here are my two remaining gripes, and I know when you look at them you will see clearly my points of fingernails on a chalkboard. 😉

    I sucked at this<———————-.

    … of leaving me this<———————- way.

    🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
    Ha!

  3. Your MC’s voice really shines through! This is a great start to a vampire story! The line “I had to get Mr. GQ for a sire when I was so NOT Ms. Cosmopolitan.” was hilarious!

    My only suggestion: “The last time I’d had fresh blood, he’d caught it then scolded me saying,” was a stumbling block for me. “The last time I had fresh blood” is fine without the added “‘d” after I. Similarly, “he caught it” rather than “he’d caught it” would make the sentence run smoother. Maybe revise it to something like:

    “The last time I had fresh blood, he caught it for me, all the while scolding…”

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