Excerpt from The P.U.R.E.

The P.U.R.E ARCs (advance reader copies) are finally here and with it my last chance to catch boo-boos.  It’s also my chance to give YOU a tiny glimpse of the first 500 words of the novel.  I hope it grabs you enough to want to keep reading.  Beginnings are always so tough and I’d be lying if I told you it was my strong suit.  But with my editor’s wise assistance (and that of countless others from beta readers to critiquers at my writing sites), hopefully this gets a passing grade.  The best reason to read is the definition the acronym P.U.R.E. will be revealed.  So without further caveats or hemming and hawing…

The P.U.R.E.

I shouldn’t have listened, but my curiosity beat out the entire feline population of Dallas. Who was I to fight it? It hadn’t killed me yet.

If the voices hadn’t been raised and full of discord, I might have resisted temptation. Perhaps . . . but probably not if I were being honest.

“You can’t possibly sign off, Bob. We found too many blatant errors and even more questionable treatments,” a woman’s voice said. Marilyn. The voice of reason—my mentor if I could impress her enough to take me on.

“Duly noted, but you’re overruled. It’s a done deal,” Bob said.

I pulled away from the door and scanned my surroundings to double check that no one would catch me spying.

My heart pounded as I considered the implications of what I’d heard. Why would a partner, a leader in our accounting firm, do something so obviously wrong? Why would he put its reputation, his reputation, at risk?

“Aphrodite is showing missing cash, two luxury cars and a jet no one can seem to produce, to name a few things we’ve found. You can’t ignore this, Bob.”

I mouthed, ‘Don’t forget the overvalued inventories and past due payroll taxes,’ as if I might somehow prompt Marilyn through the door.

“What about the overvalued inventories?” Marilyn added.

Exactly! I checked my watch, needing to get our lunches. Another few minutes wouldn’t hurt.

“That’s not an Aphrodite issue,” Bob said. “Gayle and Jon royally botched the counts.”

What? No friggin’ way! Where’d he even get that idea from?

“We can’t hold Aphrodite’s audit hostage because of our own abysmal staff,” Bob said. “You should have replaced those two PUREs at the beginning of the project like I suggested.”

My heart sank to my feet. I waited for Marilyn to come to my defense.

“You said you had everything under control, Marilyn.” His tone took on a steely, accusatory edge. “The cost to redo the entire count is out of our budget. We’re just going to have to take the risk and sign off.”

I drew back as my stomach knotted. Abysmal? Bob thought my work was abysmal? Jon’s too? PUREs? Partners never called staff Previously Undetected Recruiting Errors unless they were one step away from the unemployment office. I did a good job, and so did Jon. Marilyn had even complimented our work.

How could Bob be so glib in front of our client?

Private conversation or not, I needed to hear more. My hoop earring clanked against the door as I returned my ear to its station.

I froze. Should have worn studs. Hoops were so much less professional. Of course, eavesdropping was too.

Listening for signs I’d betrayed my presence and hearing none, I pressed closer.

“. . . a lawsuit waiting to happen.” Marilyn said. “Your costs’ll look like loose change in comparison. You can’t possibly sign your name to those financial statements, Kenneth. Consider the implications to this company, to your reputation, your license.”

If Kenneth commented, he spoke so I couldn’t hear. “You could go to jail. We could all go to jail,” Marilyn said.

© Claire Gillian 2012

What Is a Darkly Romantic Curmudgeon?

A curmudgeon is:

  • A bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous person. (Dictionary.com)
  • A crusty, ill-tempered, and usually old man (Merriam-Webster.com)
  • An ill-tempered person full of resentment and stubborn notions. (Answers.com)

You get the idea.  Examples would include House (Hugh Laurie’s eponymous character), Andy Rooney from 60 Minutes (RIP), Hallmark’s Maxine, and The Grinch.  Amongst up and coming curmudgeons I’d include Sheldon, the physicist nerd from the Big Bang Theory, which also goes to show that not ALL curmudgeons are old.

Being a curmudgeon is a glass is half empty attitude. It’s the little old lady (played by Clara Peller) demanding “Where’s the Beef!” in the famous Wendy’s commercial of the 80s. It’s bracing for the worst (because everyone wants to rip you off) but secretly hoping for the best. It’s crusting over the outside to protect the tender, gullible insides.  I’d go so far as to say that within every curmudgeon is a sensitive but bruised soul.

So what is a darkly romantic curmudgeon? Isn’t romance the antithesis of curmudgeonliness? Well, yes and no. They are indeed yin and yang, opposites, but together they are pretty terrific. Let me explain.

People often say they “fall” in love, as if it’s not a natural state.  For curmudgeons, it’s not, but when we fall, we plummet.  Personally, I love reading stories where the hero or heroine stands atop a lofty perch built on arrogance or hubris, greatly increasing the distance of their forthcoming fall into the waiting arms of love.  The farther the fall, the greater the thrill in my tummy as I read.  I love to see the main character flailing about in mid-air, trying desperately (but failing) to grab hold of something familiar to check his or her fall.  It’s scary; it’s dark; it’s sarcastic; it’s grouchy; it’s curmudgeonly!  That character will fight tooth and nail denying love matters to them because they are deathly afraid no one will catch them before they strike the ground. Wise readers get that it’s all a front with a kind of smug omniscience, especially if they’ve been treated to the object of the affection’s point of view and know those arms are open and ready to receive…or will be if the object looks up.

So, favorite fictional romantic curmudgeons who demonstrate that reluctance or grouchiness I’m talking about?

  • Kate Daniels from Ilona Andrews’ urban fantasy series (who put up a hell of a fight against her eventual love interest)
  • Mr. Darcy (and probably Elizabeth Bennet too) from Pride and Prejudice (“Pride goeth before the fall”)
  • Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights (such evil that grew from love thwarted)
  • Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre (Boss of the Year award recipient…NOT!)
  • Ebenezer Scrooge from A Christmas Carol (ok, so he found a different kind of love at the end but that’s still what it was)
  • Margaret (Sandra Bullock) in The Proposal (another meanie boss but you just knew she was all gooey inside didn’t ya?)
  • Elizabeth Perkin’s character Joan in the 80’s brat pack movie, “About Last Night” (Ok, I threw that in there because Elizabeth and I were born on the same day and I really did like her snarky character in that movie)
  • Mr. Stevens (Anthony Hopkins) in Remains of the Day (remember what he was caught reading? a ROMANCE!  I rest my case.)

But how does the “darkly” part fit in?

All my heroes have dark hair?  Well, that’s true, but that’s not what it means.  Darkly, within my writing context, means I may (usually) include elements of dark humor in my stories, mostly sarcasm or snark.  The bad guys get to be funny occasionally, maybe even crack a few jokes.  At least that is what I’m striving for.  Humor is always subjective, of course.  I enjoy a happy ending as much as anyone else though, so I don’t see myself ever having the main character wiped out by a bus on her way to her wedding.  That’s a different kind of dark that I don’t mess with.

The best news about declaring myself a lover of darkly romantic curmudgeons and claiming the title for myself?  I am now a certificate-bearing member of the International Society of Curmudgeons:

I’d love to tell you more about the ISOC, but I’m currently angry with them for having the most annoying website I’ve ever visited.  When I calm down, I’ll tell you all about it.  Suffice to say the ISOC agrees with my self-designated title of Master Curmudgeon.